I mean, this is really the core of this issue, and it's where I get uncomfortable, b/c of all of these issues with personal will and individual difference - I perfectly understand what you are saying. But I also think that, OK, part of this other person's personal will is telling me to fuck off, or saying that no no no, I've got it all wrong, they're not at all interested in being that person I thought they wanted to be. I mean, obviously, I have no trouble telling the Mormon missionaries (or my mother) that I'm really not interested in being Christian, and that's part of MY job, not theirs.
I think that the core of our disagreement here actually lies in the details - I mean, who WOULD rock the boat over petty preferences? I don't give a fuck what other people eat for breakfast. But yeah, I think that if I see a friend running headfirst into an emotional wall in a way that I really think is going to give them a Life concussion, I really need to tell them, even if it's going to hurt them and piss them off and make things hard for a while. Similarly, if someone has disappointed me so badly that I'm not sure I can be close to them anymore, I really do think I do better to tell them, "OK, you didn't do this TO ME, but you did it, and who the fuck ARE YOU, anyway, I don't understand this person you are and this is why I can't talk to you anymore." I've done it the other way, where I just removed myself from the life of somebody because I was so disappointed and hurt, and I'm not proud. I would have done her, me, and everybody around us a service by having the balls to tell her exactly what I thought she'd done before I swept out the door.
At a certain point, with all of our lives so unconnected, I'm not sure what mirrors we're supposed to be gazing in. I think we're fundamentally very good at self-deception and that if we're counting on our parents, our partners and ourselves, we're in trouble.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2008-06-07 12:39 pm (UTC)I think that the core of our disagreement here actually lies in the details - I mean, who WOULD rock the boat over petty preferences? I don't give a fuck what other people eat for breakfast. But yeah, I think that if I see a friend running headfirst into an emotional wall in a way that I really think is going to give them a Life concussion, I really need to tell them, even if it's going to hurt them and piss them off and make things hard for a while. Similarly, if someone has disappointed me so badly that I'm not sure I can be close to them anymore, I really do think I do better to tell them, "OK, you didn't do this TO ME, but you did it, and who the fuck ARE YOU, anyway, I don't understand this person you are and this is why I can't talk to you anymore." I've done it the other way, where I just removed myself from the life of somebody because I was so disappointed and hurt, and I'm not proud. I would have done her, me, and everybody around us a service by having the balls to tell her exactly what I thought she'd done before I swept out the door.
At a certain point, with all of our lives so unconnected, I'm not sure what mirrors we're supposed to be gazing in. I think we're fundamentally very good at self-deception and that if we're counting on our parents, our partners and ourselves, we're in trouble.
Oh dear, is my J showing? :D