NPR - transgender children

[wordplay]

Last night on All Things Considered there was what I thought was a very interesting story about transgendered children and therapeutic approaches to helping them; it's the first part of a two-part series, and the second part will air tonight.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was terrified that he was going to be deaf. It was the late 90s and I was spending a lot of time with Deaf people and sign linguists and there was a lot of discussion of the way that hearing parents' decisions to pursue cochlear implant technology for their deaf children was decimating and completely changing the Deaf community and culture. As my pregnancy neurosis of choice, I worried about how I would handle this, how I'd hold it together. It was daunting as hell to consider what it would be like to give birth to a deaf child and have to decide his place in the world very very early, to decide for him whether he would be a part of a subculture in which I had no place, no voice, no stake or understanding. I worried about what people I cared about would think of me based on the decision. It was this whole entire nexus of anxiety, so many things that scared me coming together in one thing I could lie in bed and worry about when my son's kicking kept me awake late into the night.

If I were having a baby right now, I think gender identity might be my neurosis of choice, for many of the same reasons. Just from listening to that show, I honestly can't tell you how I would respond - my gut tells me I'd be more likely to react like Jonah's parents, but when you think seriously about what it means to help your child embrace a life in which he will constantly be a difficult fit, in which there will be painful puberty and possible medical procedures and... yeah.

Parenting is so hard core, man. It's hearts and flowers and breakfast-in-bed season in America, but my own experience has been so much more intense than all that soft focus kitsch and claptrap.

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

It's interesting that you post about this, because I was talking with a friend about it just the other day. Will and I have already wondered if Two might be transgender, but I also have to admit - we don't care. I mean, we care from the "you've got a tough road ahead of you, kid" perspective, but otherwise - nope, not something we're remotely concerned about - if she is, she (he?) is, not a big deal to us. And Two may just grow up to be a tomboy (or gay), not transgender. But she's already said numerous times, "When I grow up, I want to be a boy," "I'm a boy" and "I like boy things". She has boy sneakers (Disney's Cars) and boy pull-ups for night-time. She *does* voluntarily wear dresses sometimes, and I can't say she's all fire-trucks and wrestling or anything, and plays with both genders, but there is a strong and definite preference for "boy" and disinterest in "girl", overall. So ... eh ... we'll just see where it goes as she gets older.

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

You should listen to the segment - the two kids they discuss are so clearly identifying with just one gender, and one set of parents 'allows' their biologically male child to enter kindergarten as a girl. That's a BOLD move! So, you know, what happens when my kids are older - whatever. I'm not invested in that. But the decision to start buying my 4-year-old boy dresses - god, that is terrifying, and it's that early investment and commitment before the child can really rationally engage that's so scary.

That said, Two's lucky to have you guys. :D

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

FWIW (possibly very little): You're describing me as a kid. I was completely uninterested in anything girly, resented dresses, vastly preferred my older brother's hand-me-down clothes, chose short haircuts when allowed to, and was pleased to be mistaken for a boy by people who didn't know me.

Then the hormones hit, and I was suddenly, definitively, entirely female. And straight. And before long came around to being quite pleased with the whole situation (though still uninterested in most of the trappings of girlyness).

[mofic.livejournal.com]

That was me, too. And I grew up to be a lesbian who felt kind of too femmy for lesbian subculture when I came out (prefer dresses, love to cook and entertain) and now hate the whole butch/femme resurgence because I don't want to be pegged as either.

I think that there are all sorts of circumstances and personalities that lead to gender-nonconformist behavior. I think having an older brother I wanted to emulate was probably what pushed me that way as a small child, rather than incipient lesbianism, but who knows?

[misscake]

Parenting is so hard core, man.

*falls down on the floor, nodding and exasperated* And the thing is, you put your heart and soul into it and it's years before you get a payoff, if you ever do. This comment brought you by the fact that I spent all day imagining various catastrophes happening on my son's field trip only to spend the evening arguing with son and husband over bedtimes, chores, and homework.

And I'm bookmarking the segment to listen to later.

[florahart]

1. K1 was all about the pink and the dolls when he was wee. We wondered, but didn't restrict at all. If, at some point, he had said he wanted to live as a girl, I was prepared to go there--I did think, when he was very early school-age, about how I would go about such a transition for him, if he were adamant. Heck, I even had an insane conversation with my sister in which she said (and she is probably more liberal than I about most things) I should probably be trying to curb this behavior and I said um hell no. He is who he is.

2. That cochlear implant controversy is no less real now than it was a decade ago, and making the decision for the child is no less difficult. My colleague is trying to balance things for her kid (implant, and sign, and speech therapy, and time in solely Deaf environments--it's a fairly complicated situation beyond all that) and it's a hell of a balancing act.

[mofic.livejournal.com]

Is there not a third way? Can't kids be encouraged to play with toys culturally assigned to both genders and encouraged to see their bodies, as they are, as beautiful and right for them? I hate the therapy that takes a kid's toys away and constricts his/her play, but seeing your perfectly functional body as malformed (which so many transgendered kids and adults do) is psychological dysfunction, chez moi, and I'd like to think a therapist would work with a kid who feels that way...

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

I mean, I felt like the Toronto guy's parallel with a black kid who just comes in and says, look, I feel white - that's really powerful to me. My heart broke for the little kid who was hoarding and hiding his girlie toys so his parents couldn't take them away, and what I kept wondering is how these kids were so completely socialized by age 2 that they already knew that long hair was girlish. I don't know, it's just entirely possible that I am incapable of understanding this too well because I haven't put in the walk-in-those-shoes time.

That willingness to engage so completely so young gives me pause - today's segment is at least advertised as being about a child who opts for (IIRC) castration before puberty. The magnitude and impact of that decision is enormous.

[freya]

That's an interesting article. I don't think I'd ever really considered it before.

*has nothing further to add than 'Hmmmmmmmmmm.'*

[sundancekid.livejournal.com]

So I think I'd opt for an approach like Jona(h)'s parents too -- telling your kid the way they are is wrong is just... dude, not OK. Although I see your comment about today's segment being about castration before puberty and I don't think that's right -- puberty changes you, and just because you wanted something every day of your life doesn't mean you'll still want it as an adult; permanent changes at such a young age seems really risky, to me.

But man, I really fucking look forward to the day that like, pink and unicorns aren't things only girls like, or the idea that playing with balls or trucks is only for boys. My parents were really good about letting us play with whatever, which is why I frequently wore my tiara and my Ninja Turtles shirt at the same time. I don't think that's the same thing as transgenderism -- I don't think having more fluid definitions of sex-appropriate behavior will stop people from thinking/knowing they were born in the wrong body, but it'll sure as hell be easier on the rest of us.

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

I mean, the thing about Jonah's parents approach is that, you know, if they do raise that kid gendered as a girl, and then puberty hits and he's suddenly feeling more conscious and comfortable in a male skin, then that's a HELL of a job, too, and I can't even imagine how that works out. That's part of why I'm just really stuck on this, because four year olds want all kinds of things and from where I sit, it's hard to know the right way to respond to that, you know?

Really, really tricky. No judgment on this one way or the other, because everybody's just trying to muddle through and you do what seems right at the time and just hope it works out in the end, but it's part of why I'm just inherently more cautious about all that.

[mofic.livejournal.com]

It just seems to me that it's at least worth trying with a kid like Jonah to teach him/her that being a boy doesn't mean you can't do "girl stuff" rather than liking girl stuff means you're a girl. But I admit to total lack of understanding of the whole transgender thing, no matter how many MTFs and FTMs I know. I just don't get the idea of a male soul in a female body (or vice versa) because I don't understand gender of the soul at all...

[sundancekid.livejournal.com]

and then puberty hits and he's suddenly feeling more conscious and comfortable in a male skin, then that's a HELL of a job, too
Oh, definitely. Puberty's already so hard -- I imagine it's way worse if your body is changing even further away from what you think it's supposed to look like.

As a parent, my other concern would be -- even if you were absolutely sure that drastic surgical measures were the right thing for your child, my understanding of gender reassignment surgery is that it's not that great yet (especially for FTMs -- my knowledge of this comes entirely from a couple Discovery Channel shows I watched about this, and I remember one person vividly describing the difference as "easier to build a hole than a pole") and I would be v. concerned about dramatic measures that might not even get you the intended results. Also, this is in fantasy land where such things are affordable. (Actually, for years and years the city [my dad's employer and until 2008 our insurance providers] insurance covered gender reassignment surgery, until about... five years ago? a police officer HAD it, and the city went, that cost HOW much? and dropped it from their policy, after covering the officer's costs.)

And yeah, my rage about pink vs. blue isn't directed at those specific parents (though I am inclined to judge the Toronto shrink fairly harshly) so much as at society in general.

Just heard the second half of the story.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

It's a pretty tough thing to contemplate, but on the other hand, the Toronto doctor who recommended forcing the child into a male role just made me sad. It seemed like a wonderful way to train a child to be deceptive to and suspicious of adults, which is not the lessons a 4-year old should be fed.

[kerosinkanister.livejournal.com]

Thanks for finding this. Really interesting stuff. It left me feeling conflicted. What a tough thing to have to face!